I have the entire Nickelodeon cartoon line-up memorized, yet I cannot remember ONE SINGLE THING I LEARNED IN COLLEGE.
Oct 282005
“Badger, a cigarette isn’t an animal, it’s something that you jug and then it kills you.”
-my daughter Sunny
-my daughter Sunny
Oct 272005
The school my kids go to is on a year round schedule. Not for any educational or higher philosophical purpose, but because there are absolutely too many kids that live inside the school boundaries to have them ALL fit inside the school at one time. See the Mormons have been commanded to multiply and replenish the Earth, and HOLY SHIT they are doing an awesome job of it. Most of the elementary schools in our district run on a 4 track system, where there are 4 groups of students or “tracks”, with 3 of those tracks going to school at one time. This means that about every 45 days my kids get 15 days off of school. Or in other words, we all barely become adjusted to a schedule and then it changes to NO SCHEDULE AT ALL and chaos ensues.
I actually like the year round schedule, and its not because I’m an insane masochist, but because I can’t imagine having my kids at home for three whole months in the summer going crazy with boredom after the first week. It’s what happens with every track break. They lay around like they own this place for about a week, and then all I hear for the next two weeks is I AM SO BORED, MOM! So at least they get to go back to school after those two weeks and I don’t have to come up with something fun and exciting for them to do EVERY day for three months. Cause that really would be torture, people. Really.
Yesterday these cute kiddies of mine started in on the I AM SO BORED bit, so I decided to take them to the Pumpkin Patch. It was fun, and the kids were so happy running around picking out pumpkins and dropping pumpkins and stepping in rotten pumpkins and tripping over pumpkins, that I would say Pumpkin Patch is a perfect off-track activity. It was a wonderful combination of some of their most favorite things to do in the whole wide world: 1) running 2)yelling 3)being outside 4) spending money.
However I am here to attest to what is absolutely NOT a perfect off-track activity, that being, after going to the Pumpkin Patch taking all your kids to Sam’s Club to buy salt for your water softener. Because, while it does contain 3 of the 4 desired elements listed above, it will also make you feel totally inept and wonder how you turned into that lazy and completely out-of-control parent that you HATE.
Oct 252005
“Mom, please do NOT buy a llama or a zebra on the internet.”
-my son Leo
Oct 252005
Sunny had been complaining for a few days that her tooth hurt. It was a molar with a crown that they had told us, the last time we experienced the chaotic free-for-all that is a trip to the dentist, was dying and would probably fall out. Well, it died last week sometime and decided NOT to fall out, but instead to sink down into the gum and smell like vomit. Why wouldn’t it just do the respectable thing and fall out by its self and make everyone’s life here easier? Because, internet, that tooth hates me. It hated me before it was extracted, and it hates me still as it sits in a little plastic treasure box and reeks of death.
I know that I’ve mentioned before that Sunny is a little bit nervous and tends to worry about things. And when I say a little bit, really I mean a whole hell of a lot and I’m just trying to be nice. Lots of things scare her into hyperventilation, and the dentist is probably the worst one of them all. It started as soon as she got up, with a never ending barrage of questions.
“What time is it?”
“What time do we have to go?”
“What are they going to do to me?”
“What time is it now?”
And on and on with the questions, the never ending, fear fueled questions, that were hurled at me with the speed of light, until it was time to go. Then we were finally in the car on the way and she couldn’t even speak because she was about to cry. We got to the dentists office, a place so warm and happy, smelling of apple cider and cookies, that it really does ooze love and sweetness people. Really. Dr. Al and his crew were there, just like always, smiling and welcoming and winning the fucking contest for the Nicest People I Have Ever Met, hands down. Sunny couldn’t even look at them or answer their warm up questions, like what she is going to be for Halloween, because she was so scared. And so I sat with her in the exam room, to give her support so she would know she wasn’t all alone in this harsh world of x-rays and drills, right up to the point were they pulled out the shot, and then I ran. Just to go check on the boys in the waiting room, of course. Then for the first time that I can remember, I was actually grateful that my boys have no concept of volume or indoor voices, because I could only barely hear Sunny screaming over their shouting about which blocks to put where on the bridge they were building.
So the damn tooth came out, and Sunny is fine, just a little sore on that side of her mouth. Now she is excited to see how much money the Tooth Fairy gives for a silver tooth. I told her it was probably at least $2, one dollar for the silver and one EXTRA dollar for the putrid smell.
Oct 242005
Public school should have a big disclaimer attached to it, a Surgeon Generals warning, a statement from the CDC, or something stronger than the annual blurb on the evening news, that says “WARNING, sending your children to school is like throwing them into a MASSIVE BACTERIA CESSPOOL. They will get sick every other week for the entire year, and will subsequently infect every non-school going person in your household. Learn to deal with it.”
Not that a warning would really make the task of nursing sick children any easier. Its a constant stream of nose wiping and forcing medicine down their throats. There is no sleep for anyone either, because you lay awake listening to them cough and when you finally do get to sleep one of them comes and wakes you up because they need more medicine and a drink of water. And its every day worrying and wondering if its just a cold or something more, and should you take them to the doctor. You hold your breath and wait for your own nose to start plugging up and your throat to feel sore.
I think my immune system has become used to all these germs, and now I only get sick about every third time the kiddies do, and Chris maybe one in ten times. But poor Elliott, our friend who moved in with us six months ago, he gets it pretty much every time. I’m hoping his immune system will adjust soon, before he decides he needs to find a less germy place to live and harbors ill will against us forever.
The good news is that Leo seems to be getting better, and he was the first to come down with this latest sickness about a week ago. So its possible the end is in sight. Then I just hold my breath until it happens again.
Oct 242005
Fall in Little Cottonwood Canyon or A Reason Utah Doesn’t Totally Suck, take your pick
Oct 232005
“Mom, muscles are chick magnets.”
-my son Leo
The other night Sunny asked me to tell her about the day she and her brothers were born. I’ve told her before, of course, just every so often she asks me to tell them again. She is a sweet and insightful little girl, and I think she can see that I love the telling as much as she loves hearing. For me its one of the happiest little rituals we have. It fills my heart up to bursting to recall and share all the little details that made each of their Birth Days special.
Like the day Sunny was born, my water broke in the middle of the night, and we got up like robot zombies and drove to the hospital, waking up fully about half way there to the fact that our lives were about to change forever. I had planned on a natural childbirth, and I think the labor and delivery nurses took that to mean that they could leave me alone and give me a taste of what having a baby was all about. I guess they were having a busy night, this was Utah after all, pretty much the Baby Making Capital of the World, so not ONE of those hateful, horrible nurses came in to check on me for the first three hours I was there. Chris was bored out of his mind , and hungry, so he decided to run to the McDonald’s across the street before things got too serious. Naturally about five minutes after he left I started sitting up in the bed, trying to pull my hair right out of my head because I was in so much pain. At this point the nurse finally decided to grace me with her presence and proceeded to YELL at me that I needed to get my shit together, because I was in for a long day. All I can say is WHAT A BITCH, because then she checked me and discovered that I was, in fact, on the verge of delivery AT THAT VERY MOMENT. Then a lot of running and draping and moving of equipment happened, and I was ready to push when Chris walked in and thought he was in the wrong room. About five minutes after that, they laid this tiny little bundle on my stomach. I was so tired I could hardly look at her, but I put my index finger in her hand and she squeezed it. I had never felt anything so beautiful in my whole life. I knew what true love was.
The day Leo was born, I didn’t realize I was in labor until I was in some serious pain, and Chris considered pulling the car over and delivering the baby on the side of the road because my contractions were so close together. We got to the hospital and he was born an hour later. I didn’t even get to hold him, because he wasn’t breathing well, and his heart beat was abnormal. A few hours later my doctor and a paramedic came into my room and told me they had to transfer him to Primary Children’s Hospital, that his heart was enlarged which meant he would most likely die. I went completely numb, I think as a way to protect myself. I felt nothing, which I am actually thankful for, because there is really nothing like being told your newborn will probably die. Its the kind of thing that will break a person, and would have broken me, but my brain chose to protect me by shutting down my emotions. A few hours later Chris had a consultation with a cardiologist, and it turns out that there was actually nothing wrong with Leo. They kept him in the hospital for four days, they said to make sure he was really ok, but as far as I could tell it was so they could use him as a human pin cushion. His feet were completely black from being squeezed four times a day for a blood sample. I was incredibly relieved the day we brought him home, so he could begin his life post needles and tubes, and so I could finally get to know the little guy.
I was induced and had an epidural when Badger was born, and all I can say is THANK GOD FOR MODERN MEDICAL SCIENCE. I laid in bed, we watched a movie from a list of ancient VHS tapes someone had donated to the hospital, and then I had a baby. It was pretty much that simple. Badger was in perfect health and spirits, and I was so grateful, I decided I shouldn’t push my luck by having any more.
So when you are wrapped up in the every day, never ending, struggle that is raising little children, its hard to believe that they will ever grow up. You pray on a daily basis, DEAR GOD WILL THEY EVER GROW UP? And you are not even sure you believe in God, but its worth a try to ask someone if they will ever grow up and stop screaming and whining and pooping in their pants. But then they do. Sunny is already slipping away from me. She doesn’t like me to hug her, or sit on my lap,or tell me she loves me, or bother her when she is playing with her friends. It will eventually happen with the boys too. All I can say is, while this hurts so bad, like my very heart is being RIPPED out and torn in to teeny tiny pieces, I understand its the natural progression of life. I’m grateful that I have been here with them, every day, watching them grow and guiding them through life, and while its up and down and happy and sad, its definitely worth the ride.
Oct 192005
“I hope I don’t have to marry a goblin.”
-my son Leo
