Dirty Dishes

I may have mentioned before, once or twice, that I was born and raised in the Mormon church. I spent the first 18 years if my life being indoctrinated daily, and another 10 years after that being inactive but still believing it was probably true. When I finally did the research a few years ago and realized that the Mormon church was an extremely elaborate fabrication, I have to say I was relieved. Relieved and scared at the same time. I felt like my entire life I had been standing on a mountain that was all my beliefs in the way the world worked. And when I found out the church wasn’t true it was like the entire mountain fell away, except for the ground I was standing on, and I was out there all alone on this little sliver of earth. It was frightening and liberating at the same time. I was all on my own. I was all on my own! I had thought for so long that this church was probably true, yet I knew it wasn’t right for me, and oh the guilt and fear that caused in my life. By learning it wasn’t true I was able to take my first steps in life down a path without guilt and fear of eternally disappointing the people I loved. Plus all the worry free alcohol consumption. And masturbation. Don’t forget the masturbation.

So what I can’t figure out is, now that I’m all on my own in life without the prayers and the scripture study and the Family Home Evening, why I can’t shake the feeling that when something goes wrong in my life it’s a direct result of my pissing off Jesus and Joseph Smith by leaving the church. It’s like that 28 years of indoctrination and belief actually worked! Who’d a thunk it? So when my life follows its natural up and down course, more down than up lately, I have a hard time accepting it for what I logically know it is….Life. My car was in the shop for 2 weeks getting a new transmission, my kids are sick, and the company that both Elliott and Chris work for very nearly went belly up. Individually these things all suck. When they happen all at once its Godawful. I just wish I didn’t have to keep telling myself that the reason my family hasn’t seen a paycheck in a month isn’t because we left the church and haven’t paid our tithing.

I think that most people who were raised in a religious home have this same problem, and it is probably a large part of what keeps people involved in religion…fear of the unknown. I’m pretty hopeful though that one day all these silly superstitious fears will wear off of me. They had better, because I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life thinking every time I stub my toe or lose my keys that it could have happened maybe possibly because I had coffee with my breakfast.