I may have mentioned before, once or twice, that I was born and raised in the Mormon church. I spent the first 18 years if my life being indoctrinated daily, and another 10 years after that being inactive but still believing it was probably true. When I finally did the research a few years ago and realized that the Mormon church was an extremely elaborate fabrication, I have to say I was relieved. Relieved and scared at the same time. I felt like my entire life I had been standing on a mountain that was all my beliefs in the way the world worked. And when I found out the church wasn’t true it was like the entire mountain fell away, except for the ground I was standing on, and I was out there all alone on this little sliver of earth. It was frightening and liberating at the same time. I was all on my own. I was all on my own! I had thought for so long that this church was probably true, yet I knew it wasn’t right for me, and oh the guilt and fear that caused in my life. By learning it wasn’t true I was able to take my first steps in life down a path without guilt and fear of eternally disappointing the people I loved. Plus all the worry free alcohol consumption. And masturbation. Don’t forget the masturbation.
So what I can’t figure out is, now that I’m all on my own in life without the prayers and the scripture study and the Family Home Evening, why I can’t shake the feeling that when something goes wrong in my life it’s a direct result of my pissing off Jesus and Joseph Smith by leaving the church. It’s like that 28 years of indoctrination and belief actually worked! Who’d a thunk it? So when my life follows its natural up and down course, more down than up lately, I have a hard time accepting it for what I logically know it is….Life. My car was in the shop for 2 weeks getting a new transmission, my kids are sick, and the company that both Elliott and Chris work for very nearly went belly up. Individually these things all suck. When they happen all at once its Godawful. I just wish I didn’t have to keep telling myself that the reason my family hasn’t seen a paycheck in a month isn’t because we left the church and haven’t paid our tithing.
I think that most people who were raised in a religious home have this same problem, and it is probably a large part of what keeps people involved in religion…fear of the unknown. I’m pretty hopeful though that one day all these silly superstitious fears will wear off of me. They had better, because I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life thinking every time I stub my toe or lose my keys that it could have happened maybe possibly because I had coffee with my breakfast.
So, what do the religious people who haven’t been paid in a month say? Maybe they should have paid MORE tithing? I’m sure they’re saying even more of it than you are. Maybe they’re being “tested”!!!
I was going to say the same thing as hans grueber above…religious people get cancer, lose loved ones, get in car accidents, are victims of identity theft, have miscarriages, children with special needs, chronic illnesses, and all of the same things non-believers/non-religious. (Only it seems that religious people have obsessive and tearful “pity parties” with fellow believers about their problems.)
It takes awhile to get that thinking out of one’s head. It took awhile for me to become “un-indoctrinated” (deprogrammed) after leaving christianity and to fully shake the guilt and superstitious thinking that had been ingrained in my mind throughout childhood.
It’s similar to the fear of a black cat crossing your path, walking under a ladder, spilling salt. Superstitious people somehow think that when something bad happens they must have done something wrong to cause it instead of simply saying…SHIT HAPPENS…and then deal with it.
When our now grown kids have had troubles we tell them to stop their crying and pull themselves up by their bootstraps and think of a positive solution. Religion is wishful thinking instead of action. There is that saying “god helps those who help themselves” which really means…we only have ourselves to help us and we choose how we will deal with what life brings our way.
as a convert to the mormon church who susequently left because, well, i’m a lesbian. i still definitely get thoughts just like yours!
but heck. i got pregnant on our first try with our donor. and despite a really strong family history of miscarraige, i am now 6.5 months pregnant.
so i figure that heavenly father is a lot less worried about coffee and lesbianism than they seem to think he is.
well, HANS…if you were still part of the TRUTH, maybe Heavenly Father could find it in his heart to float you a loan (he’d probably even give you screaming deal at only 26% interest) He might even let you go root around in The Bishops Store House and take home some Powdered Milk and reconstituted eggs…And Stardust, everyone knows that when bad stuff happens to the GOOD guys (a.k.a. Mormons) it’s a TEST to strengthen them and their testimonies and so ultimately these things are blessings. Pfft…and you guys call yourselves Jack Mormons.
I am an !!! and NOT a jack mormon as you suggest!!!
Thanks for your comments stardust, they are right on as always. And congratulations ru! Good luck with your new little one.
Whenever I have those kind of thought, I always remind myself that Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates didn’t become billionaires because they paid tithing to the Mormon Church!!!
I miss you guys, by the way!!!