When we decided to build our house five years ago, one of the things we both really wanted was a big yard, so we bought the biggest lot in the subdivision. This is just one more way in which we have proven ourselves completely witless and absurd, mostly because neither one of us can stand even the idea of doing yard work. It is a hatred so deep that given the choice between mowing the lawn and sitting in a Mormon church for three hours every Sunday, I’m honestly not sure which one we would choose. And the root of this problem can easily be summed up in one word: expectations. When I was growing up, my dad did all the yard work. In Chris’ house it was his mom. So naturally we each kept waiting for the other to step up and do the job. And we were waiting, and waiting, and we would still be waiting if not for the grace of one man. The guy that laid our sod for us, Andy, must have seen something in our faces as we looked out over the massive expanse that is our yard, something that looked a lot like horror and a million fights in the making, so he gave us the phone number of his younger brother who had a lawn service.
Right now I’m sitting on my bed with the window open listening to Tony mowing the lawn and the kids jumping and playing on the trampoline, and I just keep thinking that this is what happiness sounds like. I was watching Oprah the other day; and let me pause for a second to say that this is one of my most favorite ways in the whole world to start a sentence. Years ago before I was really interested in the computer at all, I would watch Oprah every day. It always gave me a lot to think about outside of Barney and diapers and kids only 15 months apart in age, all those things that consumed my world. So when Chris got home from work every day, the first thing I would say to him almost every day without fail was “Today on Oprah….”. Therefore I like starting sentences that way because it gives me a sense of continuity in my life. That and I’m pretty sure it makes Chris go crazy.
Anyway, I was watching Oprah the other day, and she said something that really struck me. The gist of which was everyone should live their own truth, because life is just too darn short not to. What this means exactly is going to be different for everybody. People have so many layers of truth to themselves that it couldn’t be just one specific thing. It could be something simple, like hiring a guy to mow your lawn if mowing the lawn isn’t you. Or it could be much more complex like giving up a stupid religion, even though it alienates your entire family and much of your community, if it isn’t who you are inside. Just don’t spend your life pretending and trying make others happy while making yourself miserable, that is not what we are here in this life to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying there should be a national revolt of people giving up house cleaning because, hey babe! cleaning is just not my ‘truth’. Nobody really likes cleaning. But there isn’t any shame in admitting it isn’t where you want to spend your time and possibly paying someone to come help you clean twice a month, and to Hell with what the neighbors think! When my neighbor found out about the lawn boy and what we paid him, she laughed so hard and said she was sure she could do her lawn and ours in an hour and charge us only $7. But she is now on trial for having sex with a sixteen year old and making up a false police report, so I think I was right not giving her comment too much merit.
So live your truth, own it, and be happy. It’s what I have desperately been trying to do by giving up the Mormon church. And hearing the Queen of Everything say it out loud on national television made me feel strong. Feeling strong is pretty much what I need right now. It is always at this time of year, starting in fall when I begin to feel crushed under the weight of my own guilt and regret. It was in the fall, three years ago that my brother died, and I have to admit that it continues to be very hard for me. So while I try every day to not drown in sadness and depression, I’m going to try to focus on the strengths and happy things in my life. My family, and Tony the lawn boy, and finally living my own truth.
A truly beautiful and meaningful post.