I have the entire Nickelodeon cartoon line-up memorized, yet I cannot remember ONE SINGLE THING I LEARNED IN COLLEGE.
Oct 282005
Oct 182005
I have a love/ hate relationship with my computer. It is my daily link to the outside world, which makes me feel both blissful and despondent at the same time. I have been without a computer at home for long stretches in the course of my career as a mother, and let me tell you I am way, and I mean waaaaay less depressed when I have the evil machine at my disposal.
Yet there is no replacement for human contact, to be sure. I have to say that the people who are selling motherhood have a KILLER marketing team, because the brochure I got showed TONS of other mothers that are your age, with sweet kids your kids age, who are just waiting to hang out with you during the day and go to the park on play dates to talk about diapers and husbands, and then have the weekly girls-night-out where you all get drunk and talk about husbands and diapers again, and its pretty much the happiest thing ever. Let me tell you people, THIS IS A LIE! At least for me anyway. I have lived here for about 11 years now, and I have made one friend. This could be because I am painfully shy or because of my unMormonness, or a combination of the two. My one friend lives across the valley from me, so we are lucky if we can get together twice a month. So this is all I have, people, this computer and the internet constitute my daily human contact over the age of 8. Some days I am grateful and some days I am seriously pissed off about it.
So this morning when my kids went crazy in their desire for sweet, yummy, chocolatey, Hot Now doughnuts for breakfast and it sent me running to this monster to look for somewhere, anywhere, that might deliver doughnuts to me, I don’t know why but it pissed me off and made me want to BLOW. THIS. COMPUTER. UP.
Oct 122005
When I saw my Father a couple of weeks ago, he graciously inquired about my old friends from high school, wondering whether I kept in touch with them and what they were doing now. I had the same four friends all throughout high school, and my parents love to hear about them and all their accomplishments. I believe it gives them a sense of pride, that their daughter was at least FRIENDS with people that went on to achieve greatness in their lives. It somehow makes up for the fact that I didn’t.
Before I began my career as a Butt Wiper, Referee, and Housewife extraordinaire I lived in a suburb of a mid-sized Midwestern city, known mostly for its extremely high murder rate, racial segregation, and damn good barbecue. And(forgive the blatant borrowing of a Star Wars phrase) if there was a bright center to this city, then my suburb was the farthest from that center. It was small, economically depressed, and about as white trash as they come. My high school was small as well, only about 900 students. So at least the populous had that going for them, the fact that they weren’t breeding out of control the way they do here in the Beehive State. There were a few different social groups in my high school, you know your standard Rockers, Jocks, Cheerleaders(a.k.a the Clones), more Rockers, Drama kids, a few more Rockers, and Nerds. Now I realize this might surprise you people but I was solidly in the Nerd group.
My four friends and I were affectionately called the Nerd Herd. And when I say ‘affectionately’ I really mean with all malice and hate that can be mustered by a bunch of angsty and ignorant teenagers, which we all know is A LOT. This meant that while our classmates were getting drunk, having orgies, and staying out all night, my friends and I were busy planning our annual picnic where we dressed up like the Amish. We were watching Anne of Green Gables for the hundredth time. We were making up esoteric catch phrases like ‘Do nuns have ears?’ and writing it all over our three ring binders. The most anti-social behavior we ever exhibited was our torture of the Catholic priest that lived down the street from Meg, in the form of doorbell ditching and honking while driving past his rectory. We felt ourselves truly wild and reckless in these actions. It’s really funny and pathetic at the same time.
We were all very different, the five of us. Our collective religious affiliations sounded like a bad joke as we were a Catholic, a Mormon, two Methodists, and a Jew. We didn’t any of us listen to the same music or dress the same. We were really just bound together by our nerdishness alone. And this is the kicker people, I was NOT really a nerd at all! I just pretended to be one very well, and I suppose they allowed me into their culture because of my good acting skills. They each graduated in the top 10, where I didn’t even make the top 10%. Two of them, Meg and Jo, went on to become doctors, with Meg marring a doctor as well. Amy began medical school, and decided it wasn’t for her, so completed her degree in Early Childhood Education, and her husband is a doctor too. Beth has an MBA. Even that bitch that sometimes hung out with us, who always tried to copy our work, and barely beat out Meg for valedictorian, even she is now a veterinarian. I dropped out of college after 2 1/2 years, and I’m married to a college dropout as well.
I guess my point in telling this tale is that sometimes, in my dark moments, I wonder if I couldn’t have done more, tried harder, and made something of myself. I realize that people say that motherhood is the most important job there is, but sometimes I wonder. Honestly, I love my job, and its really the only job I ever wanted, but its so often taken for granted, over looked, and thankless. I mean, Sunny actually got mad at me over something silly the other day and wrote a note that said “My Mom is a big, fat, dumb, meanie, loser.” Its times like those that I really question whether I should have become a doctor. If I had then the nanny could be the ‘big, fat, dumb, meanie, loser’ while I was gone to work.
Oct 112005
I have been taking a little break from myself. Sounds nice in a way, huh? But actually I have had to have this break due to some life stress I’ve had of late. Life stress that’s caused by families, relationships, bills, debt, and JOBS THAT REFUSE TO PAY THEIR EMPLOYEES ON TIME. However, I will not comment further about work on the internet, because I’ve heard and taken to heart the advice of my friend Dooce.Her wise words of ‘Thou Shalt Not talk about work on the Internet’, unlike all the other Thou Shalt Nots that have been shoved in my face recently, I truly believe. And listen up people, here is why, because I trust the source! Even though I’ve never met Heather B. Armstrong in my life, I trust her more than any ancient mythological tale. I guess I trust her more because she isn’t trying to control me, or guilt me, or take my 10%…as far as I can tell.
Now I’m in the process of shaking off my stress and refocusing on my kids, my family, and my silly self as demonstrated in this little blog. The truth is its hard to stay depressed and stressed when you have a three year old running around attaching the word “bastard” on the end of every phrase he speaks, in SPITE of all warnings that the word “bastard” has a minimum age of use requirement of 5.
Sep 302005
It will be two years this November since my brother died. He passed away right before Thanksgiving. He had been ill for quite some time, so it wasn’t completely unexpected, but it was still very hard none the less. It makes the holidays a mixed bag of emotions for me now. Really it makes life a mixed bag of emotions too. As I walk through every day of my little life I’m always encountering little things that remind me of my brother, and actually I’m glad for that. I hope I never lose those flashes of memory. I hope I always keep him that close to me.
At his funeral it was decided that all his nieces and nephews would sing a song, the beautifully heart wrenching Mormon primary ballad Families Can Be Together Forever. My children didn’t know this song however, due to their parents extreme iniquity and non-Mormonness. Sunny, being the sweet people pleaser that she is, made a real effort to learn the song. She did a beautiful job singing it with her cousins. Leo, on the other hand, really couldn’t have cared less. I asked him, please to just get up there and sing something, anything to just go along with the others, and it didn’t matter what. So he stood up and sang the theme song to Wild Force Power Rangers to the tune of Families Can Be Together Forever. It was the happiest moment I had that day, and for many days to come.
Badger was watching a Wild Force video tape this morning, and I heard the song and smiled, because I could see a cute little boy standing up, in front of a church full of heartbroken people, singing his heart out… Wild Force Power Rangers, protect this world forever. Wild Force Power Rangers, protect this world together, we will save the world!
Senator, this one’s for you.
I spent the weekend with my family(the one I was born into, not the one I have chosen to spend my life with) for the celebration of an important milestone in one of my nephews lives. I went there, get this people, by myself! My cute little kiddies got to spend a wonderful bonding weekend at home, with their father. I did enjoy being alone, with no one to tend to, no sippy cups to fill, endless pb&j’s to make, butts to wipe, fights to break up, baths to give, sippy cups to fill again, snacks to get, sippy cups to fill one more time, for a full 36 hours! Oh Sweet Jesus, the luxury of it all! But it also meant that I was without all the hugs, kisses, smiles, and I love you’s. Its the sweet irony of life. Sweet, sweet irony. I want you to know you are not lost on me! No sir!
I went to my sisters house. I have to admit I was fully expecting to be pretty annoyed. My family has that effect on me occasionally(often, really) and I sometimes(usually) try to break up my visits with them with visits to other people. I went to my parents house over the summer, and I WANTED to have a good time. I swear I did. I missed them and hadn’t seen them in months. I was however so uptight and annoyed with everyone there that I had a completely miserable time. I think the main factors in my discontent are thus 1) my whole family are members of a religion that I no longer affiliate myself with, a religion that they enjoy sitting around and discussing AT LENGTH, as if there is NO OTHER SUBJECT IN THE WORLD, and its a subject I really don’t share an interest in, thusly it creates a distancing effect 2) I have depression and when I am depressed I am highly irritable, therefore all the religious discussions and every other little thing bother me even more than they normally would. I was self medicating my depression during the summer, and while I know this is successful for many people, it was not working for me.
What I have to report from my visit this past weekend is all positive(mostly). My medication is working, people! Praise to the pharmaceutical companies, the doctors, and the FSM. I was able to go and have a nice enjoyable weekend with my family, in spite of the religious clobberings I endured. I am happy I got to spend the time with my family, and support my nephew in this important journey he is making. I think its important for them to know that I care about them, so they don’t start to hate me for being the heathen sinner that I am.
But what is really amazing about going away for a day or two, is that I get to come back home. Home to the family I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with. Home to the place and the people that I feel the most alive around, the most myself, the most real, the most loved. My hope is that I can live every day in happiness, stillness, and gratitude for every moment I’m given with them.
Sep 232005
Dear Jesus,
Please, please, please save me from the neighborhood kids. Inthenameofjesuschrist. Amen.
Sep 212005
I can not, for the LIFE of me, remember if I took my medicine this morning.
I can remember a very lengthy session of trying to get Sunny to take a pill for her stomach upset. She couldn’t figure out how to get it to go down, though I swear she has taken this very pill before. She kept spitting it out or getting it in her cheek. It took about 15 minutes and various methods for it to get to the safety of her stomach.
I can remember waking up with a KILLER headache and taking 2 ibuprofen and a tylenol. I’m waiting to see if that works before I bust out my favorite Canadian headache remedy, the 222, and a whiskey on the rocks. Mmmmm, makes a yummy brunch.
But did I take my magic little blue pill this morning? The one that keeps me from freaking and crying and wishing I was at the bottom of the ocean, any damn ocean, with giant fish and nurse sharks and crabs feasting on my lifeless body. Did I take that one? A friend of mine once told me that when she takes her magic pill, she says to herself, “my happy place!” because its funny and it helps her remember that she has taken the said magic pill. I have actually adopted this method. It works very well. Unless you FORGET TO SAY IT. Then you are pretty much screwed.
